Could this category have been christened 'Villain of The Year' in an attempt to salvage a shred of maturity from what is essentially an excuse to vent our anger at someone we can't stand? Possibly. But where's the fun in that? Besides, 'villain' isn't a strong enough word to describe the nominees we had in mind for this award. Nope, the seemingly endless list of politicians, TV and Radio personalities, gossip columnists and musicians we compiled for this prestigious award transcended villainy. They are utter bellends.
So step forward the Queen of the bellends, Ms. Jessie J.
With David Cameron and his Downing Street harem being too easy of a target for this award, it was going to take a monumental act of treachery to earn the coveted prize. The X Factor did its best to provide us with a winner. Be it middle class baby powder snorting Frankie 'appearing at a Student Union near you' Cocozza, shoestring budget Lady Gaga impersonator Kitty Brucknell, Kelly 'I'm a black American woman don't ya know?' Rowland or of course, Lois Walsh.
Yet somehow, this circus of cretins and wannabes failed to provide a moment of solid gold bellendery like our winner did. Oh no, this year, the BRIT endorsed Sound of 2011 winning Jessie J decided that not only would she inflict her migraine inducing excuse for music on us but she would also serve as Agony Aunt to amputees everywhere following the rupturing of several tendons in her left foot.
The injury, which took place at the Capital Radio Summertime Ball, left J in plaster for two months, leaving her throne bound for her live appearances during that time. A feeling all amputees can relate to, especially those who lost their legs to the horrors of war. Lest we forget it's a well known fact that people without legs often have to endure being paid millions of pounds to go on tours and sing in front of tens of thousands of people. What a chore. But why don't we leave it to the bellend herself to explain what was going through her head at the time of her life threatening tendon rupture;
“I have a different respect now for people who don't have legs. People think you go to a special hospital, get special casts and treatment. It's a lie - I'm the same as anyone else. And that was a moment when I had a proper good cry. Just after I broke my foot, I was in my living room and I put on Beyoncé's Save The Hero, like, 'If I'm not around, who saves the hero?' And it made me realise, like, I need someone now. You give so much as an artist, you give, you give, you give."
Bless. And people wonder why pop music's on it's arse. Jessie J, you are well and truly the biggest bellend of 2011. We're all praying you don't stub a toe or get a static shock off a hand railing this year.
P.S. All The Only Way Is Essex, Made In Chelsea and Desperate Scousewives cast members were disqualified from being nominated in this category as they are not bellends. They are cunts.
Until next time,
Keep on Keepin' on,
Baia
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